Changes

We would rather be ruined than changed;
We would rather die in our dread
Than climb the cross of the moment
And let our illusions die.
W.H. Auden

I've gone back to university. I previously mentioned that I was studying maths, but I've switched to commerce.
It will take me three years to complete. I never completed my previous tertiary education as I hate studying.
I am not a study person. It's not the understanding capability; more the study capability that is the culprit behind the previous failed attempts.

Some modern behavioural theorists and psychologists find that different approaches are conducive for proper education of all and that existing systems and structures should not determine the path to a successful life for all people.

What that means to me is that I am not a study person. I understand all the material at university, I've read CFA books (all the way up to level 3) and none of it is difficult to comprehend.
Nevertheless to be examined for my ability to regurgitate it and memorise it in a scholarly context is just unpalatable to me. I would rather argue about it with my analyst friends over a few beers.
In the past I've sat and stared at a piece of paper during an exam and when I looked up an hour had passed.

Why then have I gone back? Naturally because I cannot progress further in a career in banking/equities without a degree. Unless by some heavy stroke of luck.

But I am having doubts again. Terrible terrible doubts.
I love my mind but it's crippling - I can explain nearly all my past mistakes and current problems due to the simple fact that I think too much, and more often then not, it is very very pessimistic.
I doubt about my choice of subject. I love understanding the way money works, and how to make as much of it. But I don't know if this is what I'm meant to be doing.
I could do anything and do it well. Perhaps another career would be more satisfying. Less competitive. Our generation are so spoilt for choices that it is literally sickening.

And I'm infuriated at the system. Why do I have to get a bloody degree? Why work for an industry that defines my capabilities by some stupid piece of paper?
And yes, other careers now also expect a degree as a minimum requirement.

But I've always wanted to be my own boss. Why don't I run my own business? I had one before after high school. I could be happier.

I think about the things I want in life: to be the best at what I do, complete financial independence (i.e. I could retire tomorrow, no debt, etc), travel to every continent, help create businesses, happiness, great friends and health.
And then I begin to realise that all these things are available with any job. So why am I doing commerce?
Well perhaps it's the most versatile. And the rewards outweigh the three years of dedicated study. I thrive in fast paced, cut-throat environments.

I started Semester 2 this week. However over this weekend I've been frozen by these thoughts. I haven't touched my books, despite the knowledge that even a day would mean catching up and falling back on my dedicated study schedule.

I wish I could switch off my brain.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
Ellen Glasgow

Some guys go for models, I go for banker babes...

That's how a comment started for an old blog - Leveraged Sellout: "HOW TO: Get a Banker Chick (for the non-banker guy)". It's not a very good blog, but some of the comments are just ridiculously unbelievable, funny, or stupid.

Continuing on, "they are sooooo amazing, smart, slender, drink like champs…Just my type."

That pretty much sums me up.
I am indeed amazing, smart and slender.
I can also out drink most men.

By the way, in case you haven't noticed I'm not very humble - I find most people described with that particular attribute are just full of bull and I find life is too short to mince words (i.e. I'm too impatient). I'm blunt, honest and find wasting 30 seconds thinking about some idiot getting upset about these two qualities makes me very angry.
Quite often people just don't understand me by what I say. It seems I have to exercise censorship.
People find my comments and humour sadistic, sarcastic and egotistic. Perhaps the latter may be true, but why discourage self-promotion? It's not unhealthy if it is founded in truth.

(My annual review concludes more or less along the same line; year in and year out, "A., you are the perfect employee. We love you here. You have truly done an outstanding job and there are very rare improvements asked of you. But try and be nice. We know you're extremely efficient and hard working, but do take some time to take other people's feelings into consideration. That's it.")

I find incompetence a growing disease. And it's swept under the rug.
I don't have the time for it and it really pisses me off. I don't even bother to turn around if some idiot assistant comes up and tries to talk to me. My words are limited to yes, no, of course and why do you think so?

For such people it takes me less than a fortnight to foster such mistrust. It takes management a minimum of 4 months to recognise the employee's mistakes and errors and to let them go.
It makes absolutely no sense to me. You waste so much time and money training new staff. You are not meant to go to work to socialise. You are paid to do a specific job.
You should also have an obligation to do as much as you can for your employer. Even if they are not doing everything for you, you must be able to provide as much resourcefulness to them as you promise them when they hire you.
Those who have read Thick Face, Black Heart by Chin Ning-Chu ("success through negative mental attitude") know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, I've been avidly following up on the global tirade on the 'banker tax' and the widely disputed banker bonus ever since last year. I'm not complaining too much about the allocation of a significant percentage of gross earnings into shares vs cash with the growing overpricing of banks.
Although if I worked at JPMC I would be thinking, "I wish they gave us GS shares instead."


It's almost the end of the week. I didn't hear from L, so I had no idea if he forgot about speaking to his colleague.
Luckily I remembered it's his birthday today. I shot him a quick sms this morning: "Happy bday L."
"Thanks. Very nice of you to remember."
"Curse of a bad memory. Not so good for the morning after ;) Have a fab day."

The ostensible truth of my communications is purely for this new job. Which he offered to arrange.

Anyway my holiday is in 16 days. Hawaii for 15 days.
Jesus fucking christ.
I've taken very little time off (except for the forced leave which was terrible).

I am going to go crazy doing nothing. Retirement must be a nightmare.

I'm going to end this post with a very interesting website I found, "Illicit Encounters".
Bottom line: it connects married individuals who are looking for an affair.

Interesting.

Monster

Today has been a return to D. That is the abbreviated name of my personal monster.

Like every evening the trains are busy. But tonight my carriage is almost empty.

The skinny aboriginal stares at me. I'm not a pretty sight. My face anyway. It's apparently attractive but I have a permanent snarl and I'm constantly told my eyes are frighteningly cold.

Place that on top of a tall, asian slender body and it's not a surprise I get my fair share of attention.
I also don't look very asian. I have distinctive high cheek bones, large round eyes, coloured light brown/caramel hair and as aforementioned I'm quite tall (for an asian) and thin.

I stare at him and silenty snicker at his body odour, his obvious lack of life focus, a laziness that enemates from his slumped figure.
He uncrossed his arms and gets up beside me when the train draws to the stop.

His large nostrils flare and he looks me up and down. As he's about to step out he turns away from me and I silently reach my right arm around his face and quickly pull my blade across his brown neck.

I wait till the whistle blows then push his slumping body onto the dark platform.

I'm grinning at his ashen face staring back at me as the train pulls away.
Good. I feel so much better.

Today has been very stressful.
Lack of food gets me quite snappy.
It upsets an inbalance and I get very pissed off.

Normally I'm calm, collected and (allegedly) frustratingly unfriendly. I'm not antisocial, I just despise participating in mindless chit chat during office hours.

Yesterday I had enough. I emailed my friend - L - re the new job to get to the bottom of it all. He'll check with his colleague as the latter is away this wk.

There is a strong list of things I really hate:

* Messiness, dirtiness, germs
* Laziness
* Tardiness
* Lack of ambition/goals
* Lack of keeping to promises
* Waiting

I also hate mosquitoes & mangoes.

I've again recently been staying away from sex. I think it's smelly, messy and emotions are bound to rear it's ugly head.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not frigid.
I have a history of promiscuity and if I was a man I would literally be walking around with a hard on more then a few times a day.

I also mastabate at least once a day and have in most relationships exhausted my partner with an insatiable sexual appetite.

But I find it imperative to control sex. Not for being a snob and to reject men just because I can, but purely so I can control myself. I'm an emotional bitch sometimes.

Nevertheless I find most men appallingly immature, disgusting (in manner), and more interested in seeing who has the upper hand.

The last issue is all about them not replying to texts, waiting a week to call, trying not to appear too eager, not having initative, blah blah blah...

I simply don't have the time. If I'm interested I make an effort. I return all calls and messages, I don't even wait for you to ask me out, I WILL call you.
But if you are a lazy shit and think I'll be still avail after two weeks without you even bothering to ask to meet for a drink, get fucked.
I'm sorry but the world doesn't wait for maybes or laziness. I sure as hell don't.

So yes...next week should clear things up for me.

I had this racy thought yesterday as I was mastubating of getting fucked from behind by L on his desk or forcing him to fuck me missionary reminiscent of Demi Moore & Michael Douglas in Disclosure.

I'm very tempted to set off the fire alarm and lock our stupid assistant in the building tomorrow. I'm going to bed imagining her jumping to her death out the window. I'll watch from a car fucking a client whilst I choke him with a stocking.

My monster and I are very hungry today.

Weather / whether?

It is hot.
Humid.
The blood vessels seem to tighten around my skull.

I am at my mother's place (no work today - public holiday). And only because:
1. She has a computer
2. I am refusing to spend money on food until next week

I can't stop snapping at her whenever she needs to ask me something. I want to slam her tiny skull into the wall. I don't even look up at her.
I finally ask her if she can tell that I don't want to talk today and she shuts up. Momentarily.

I've eaten an extraordinary amount of food today. My body seems to hoard up food in the event of starvation. And it doesn't seem to help that I seem to now exercise almost daily.

On the weekend I did a 3.5 hour walk. It was fucking fantastic.
Yesterday I did non-stop laps in the pool for 30 mins straight.
Today I did shit all so as soon as I get home from work tomorrow I'm doing a 45 min swim.
This year I plan to do: swimming, running, sailing, martial arts, yoga, tennis and go back to doing dressage.

I am currently very very stressed about my career.
Don't get me wrong, I have a very stable job where it would only be lost due to dire circumstances or if I chose to leave.
Of which I am trying to do.

There are better roles suited to my intelligence, possibility and I cannot stand mediocrity.
It is one of the very rare things that gets me upset.

I do often get pissed off or angry at little things. Such as idiots.
I cannot stand stupid people.
It is not that they are innately stupid- i.e. without the mental capability of handling certain information; but almost exclusively due to the fact that they are lazy.

People need to wake the fuck up. Life is short. And even if it isn't, don't make excuses.
Do everything you want to do.
Just fucking do it.

This idiot assistant at work - I wish I could throw a coffee on her. Then douse her with alcohol and set her alight.
No, I'm not an arsonist. The girl just happens to have pretty serious burns on her chest. Why not finish what was started?
She got allocated a seat at the back of the office. Last week she came out of the "black hole" and complained that she was missing out on the fun we were having at the front of the office.

What fun you stupid fucking dumb bitch?
We're all working. I work the hardest of all. I have the most work because I'm the only one that gives a damn about doing more than what you're paid for.
Not that I'm appreciated for it.

I currently work in corporate finance but want to get back into IB (Investment Banking).
It's pretty tough as I didn't finish my tertiary education. Mathematics is so fucking boring to study.
And I'm an extremely impatient person.
And I love working.

I can't wait to go back to work tomorrow.
I love my new suit. Women need to wear more tailed suits. With cuff links. And not the shitty ones made out of string.

I'm waiting back on a contact for a very lucrative possible position with hedge funds (HF's). But the industry right now is almost dead. Due to both the current financial climate and the fact that it still is only just after the holiday season in Dec.
Neither of which I personally believe is any excuse. It should be all the more reason to get back on the horse and charge.
2010 is not going to be a quiet year. Trust me, there will be some crazy shit happening.

Anyway, my contact who happens to be a friend that I've known for the past 5 yrs isn't getting back to me. As aforementioned, I rarely wait and I'm not afraid to ask for things but:

1. We used to fuck (back when he had a "separation" from his wife. Now he only introduces me as his previous flat mate - which I was - I paid him to live in a separate room)

2. We've lost touch since he went back to his wife (maybe the odd happy birthday message on fb)

3. He's the head at one of the major international IB's so don't even get started on how busy he would be

4. New HF's which I was supposedly meant to be introduced to in mid-Jan are now allegedly coming out in early Feb (according to my flat mate - T - who works for a boutique HF)

5. I'm a newbie - I've worked in IB before but not in an analyst/associate/etc level, only support so I would have no fucking leverage in this position

So yeah, I'm fucking stressed.
I can be looking for other jobs, and even better paying jobs if I decide to remain within corp finance but I don't.
I want to get into this fucking role.
I can't sit on my hands and do fuck all; I've been waiting since pre-Xmas and I'm going fucking psycho as the only peep I've had from him is thanks for sending the resume, we'll be in touch when the HF's get in.
I've sent a second email to his subordinate whom I also met in Dec and will arrange the meetings and not a word from him either.

I've spoken to T and he thinks I should wait.

Fuck fuck fuck.

I want to go and fucking kill something right now.

Whether or not that's right I'm not a person you should ask.
I've been told I'm a bit fucking psycho.

Welcome to my blog.