Changes

We would rather be ruined than changed;
We would rather die in our dread
Than climb the cross of the moment
And let our illusions die.
W.H. Auden

I've gone back to university. I previously mentioned that I was studying maths, but I've switched to commerce.
It will take me three years to complete. I never completed my previous tertiary education as I hate studying.
I am not a study person. It's not the understanding capability; more the study capability that is the culprit behind the previous failed attempts.

Some modern behavioural theorists and psychologists find that different approaches are conducive for proper education of all and that existing systems and structures should not determine the path to a successful life for all people.

What that means to me is that I am not a study person. I understand all the material at university, I've read CFA books (all the way up to level 3) and none of it is difficult to comprehend.
Nevertheless to be examined for my ability to regurgitate it and memorise it in a scholarly context is just unpalatable to me. I would rather argue about it with my analyst friends over a few beers.
In the past I've sat and stared at a piece of paper during an exam and when I looked up an hour had passed.

Why then have I gone back? Naturally because I cannot progress further in a career in banking/equities without a degree. Unless by some heavy stroke of luck.

But I am having doubts again. Terrible terrible doubts.
I love my mind but it's crippling - I can explain nearly all my past mistakes and current problems due to the simple fact that I think too much, and more often then not, it is very very pessimistic.
I doubt about my choice of subject. I love understanding the way money works, and how to make as much of it. But I don't know if this is what I'm meant to be doing.
I could do anything and do it well. Perhaps another career would be more satisfying. Less competitive. Our generation are so spoilt for choices that it is literally sickening.

And I'm infuriated at the system. Why do I have to get a bloody degree? Why work for an industry that defines my capabilities by some stupid piece of paper?
And yes, other careers now also expect a degree as a minimum requirement.

But I've always wanted to be my own boss. Why don't I run my own business? I had one before after high school. I could be happier.

I think about the things I want in life: to be the best at what I do, complete financial independence (i.e. I could retire tomorrow, no debt, etc), travel to every continent, help create businesses, happiness, great friends and health.
And then I begin to realise that all these things are available with any job. So why am I doing commerce?
Well perhaps it's the most versatile. And the rewards outweigh the three years of dedicated study. I thrive in fast paced, cut-throat environments.

I started Semester 2 this week. However over this weekend I've been frozen by these thoughts. I haven't touched my books, despite the knowledge that even a day would mean catching up and falling back on my dedicated study schedule.

I wish I could switch off my brain.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
Ellen Glasgow