Monster

Today has been a return to D. That is the abbreviated name of my personal monster.

Like every evening the trains are busy. But tonight my carriage is almost empty.

The skinny aboriginal stares at me. I'm not a pretty sight. My face anyway. It's apparently attractive but I have a permanent snarl and I'm constantly told my eyes are frighteningly cold.

Place that on top of a tall, asian slender body and it's not a surprise I get my fair share of attention.
I also don't look very asian. I have distinctive high cheek bones, large round eyes, coloured light brown/caramel hair and as aforementioned I'm quite tall (for an asian) and thin.

I stare at him and silenty snicker at his body odour, his obvious lack of life focus, a laziness that enemates from his slumped figure.
He uncrossed his arms and gets up beside me when the train draws to the stop.

His large nostrils flare and he looks me up and down. As he's about to step out he turns away from me and I silently reach my right arm around his face and quickly pull my blade across his brown neck.

I wait till the whistle blows then push his slumping body onto the dark platform.

I'm grinning at his ashen face staring back at me as the train pulls away.
Good. I feel so much better.

Today has been very stressful.
Lack of food gets me quite snappy.
It upsets an inbalance and I get very pissed off.

Normally I'm calm, collected and (allegedly) frustratingly unfriendly. I'm not antisocial, I just despise participating in mindless chit chat during office hours.

Yesterday I had enough. I emailed my friend - L - re the new job to get to the bottom of it all. He'll check with his colleague as the latter is away this wk.

There is a strong list of things I really hate:

* Messiness, dirtiness, germs
* Laziness
* Tardiness
* Lack of ambition/goals
* Lack of keeping to promises
* Waiting

I also hate mosquitoes & mangoes.

I've again recently been staying away from sex. I think it's smelly, messy and emotions are bound to rear it's ugly head.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not frigid.
I have a history of promiscuity and if I was a man I would literally be walking around with a hard on more then a few times a day.

I also mastabate at least once a day and have in most relationships exhausted my partner with an insatiable sexual appetite.

But I find it imperative to control sex. Not for being a snob and to reject men just because I can, but purely so I can control myself. I'm an emotional bitch sometimes.

Nevertheless I find most men appallingly immature, disgusting (in manner), and more interested in seeing who has the upper hand.

The last issue is all about them not replying to texts, waiting a week to call, trying not to appear too eager, not having initative, blah blah blah...

I simply don't have the time. If I'm interested I make an effort. I return all calls and messages, I don't even wait for you to ask me out, I WILL call you.
But if you are a lazy shit and think I'll be still avail after two weeks without you even bothering to ask to meet for a drink, get fucked.
I'm sorry but the world doesn't wait for maybes or laziness. I sure as hell don't.

So yes...next week should clear things up for me.

I had this racy thought yesterday as I was mastubating of getting fucked from behind by L on his desk or forcing him to fuck me missionary reminiscent of Demi Moore & Michael Douglas in Disclosure.

I'm very tempted to set off the fire alarm and lock our stupid assistant in the building tomorrow. I'm going to bed imagining her jumping to her death out the window. I'll watch from a car fucking a client whilst I choke him with a stocking.

My monster and I are very hungry today.

Weather / whether?

It is hot.
Humid.
The blood vessels seem to tighten around my skull.

I am at my mother's place (no work today - public holiday). And only because:
1. She has a computer
2. I am refusing to spend money on food until next week

I can't stop snapping at her whenever she needs to ask me something. I want to slam her tiny skull into the wall. I don't even look up at her.
I finally ask her if she can tell that I don't want to talk today and she shuts up. Momentarily.

I've eaten an extraordinary amount of food today. My body seems to hoard up food in the event of starvation. And it doesn't seem to help that I seem to now exercise almost daily.

On the weekend I did a 3.5 hour walk. It was fucking fantastic.
Yesterday I did non-stop laps in the pool for 30 mins straight.
Today I did shit all so as soon as I get home from work tomorrow I'm doing a 45 min swim.
This year I plan to do: swimming, running, sailing, martial arts, yoga, tennis and go back to doing dressage.

I am currently very very stressed about my career.
Don't get me wrong, I have a very stable job where it would only be lost due to dire circumstances or if I chose to leave.
Of which I am trying to do.

There are better roles suited to my intelligence, possibility and I cannot stand mediocrity.
It is one of the very rare things that gets me upset.

I do often get pissed off or angry at little things. Such as idiots.
I cannot stand stupid people.
It is not that they are innately stupid- i.e. without the mental capability of handling certain information; but almost exclusively due to the fact that they are lazy.

People need to wake the fuck up. Life is short. And even if it isn't, don't make excuses.
Do everything you want to do.
Just fucking do it.

This idiot assistant at work - I wish I could throw a coffee on her. Then douse her with alcohol and set her alight.
No, I'm not an arsonist. The girl just happens to have pretty serious burns on her chest. Why not finish what was started?
She got allocated a seat at the back of the office. Last week she came out of the "black hole" and complained that she was missing out on the fun we were having at the front of the office.

What fun you stupid fucking dumb bitch?
We're all working. I work the hardest of all. I have the most work because I'm the only one that gives a damn about doing more than what you're paid for.
Not that I'm appreciated for it.

I currently work in corporate finance but want to get back into IB (Investment Banking).
It's pretty tough as I didn't finish my tertiary education. Mathematics is so fucking boring to study.
And I'm an extremely impatient person.
And I love working.

I can't wait to go back to work tomorrow.
I love my new suit. Women need to wear more tailed suits. With cuff links. And not the shitty ones made out of string.

I'm waiting back on a contact for a very lucrative possible position with hedge funds (HF's). But the industry right now is almost dead. Due to both the current financial climate and the fact that it still is only just after the holiday season in Dec.
Neither of which I personally believe is any excuse. It should be all the more reason to get back on the horse and charge.
2010 is not going to be a quiet year. Trust me, there will be some crazy shit happening.

Anyway, my contact who happens to be a friend that I've known for the past 5 yrs isn't getting back to me. As aforementioned, I rarely wait and I'm not afraid to ask for things but:

1. We used to fuck (back when he had a "separation" from his wife. Now he only introduces me as his previous flat mate - which I was - I paid him to live in a separate room)

2. We've lost touch since he went back to his wife (maybe the odd happy birthday message on fb)

3. He's the head at one of the major international IB's so don't even get started on how busy he would be

4. New HF's which I was supposedly meant to be introduced to in mid-Jan are now allegedly coming out in early Feb (according to my flat mate - T - who works for a boutique HF)

5. I'm a newbie - I've worked in IB before but not in an analyst/associate/etc level, only support so I would have no fucking leverage in this position

So yeah, I'm fucking stressed.
I can be looking for other jobs, and even better paying jobs if I decide to remain within corp finance but I don't.
I want to get into this fucking role.
I can't sit on my hands and do fuck all; I've been waiting since pre-Xmas and I'm going fucking psycho as the only peep I've had from him is thanks for sending the resume, we'll be in touch when the HF's get in.
I've sent a second email to his subordinate whom I also met in Dec and will arrange the meetings and not a word from him either.

I've spoken to T and he thinks I should wait.

Fuck fuck fuck.

I want to go and fucking kill something right now.

Whether or not that's right I'm not a person you should ask.
I've been told I'm a bit fucking psycho.

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